Thoughts on the flight home

7 Apr – 8:30am (Kansas time) – somewhere over Canada in route to Chicago

The same letdown I had last trip, I am feeling again...sort of emotional drainage. I am sad to leave Maddox behind, but happy we’ll be back in 10 days to get him. I miss Emma, Geneva and Jackson very much. I know the separation is hard on them and Jackson really doesn’t understand at all. So I also feel guilty to have to leave them again. Even though I know they were well cared for and will be again, I guess it is that motherly guilt that comes when you have your first child.

One thing that keeps coming back to me is that the translator and caregivers in the orphanage kept telling Maddox that we were his “mama” and “papa.” But we left him AGAIN. He has no idea what a mother and father are…he’s never had any 1 person in his life that has consistently been there. Caregivers come and go, sometimes he woke up to someone new just when he had gotten used to someone else. So, people were telling him that his “mama” and “papa” where these people who were giving him lots of attention—playing with just him, hugging him, holding his hand—but then they just disappeared like all those others that were there, then they came back and now they (we) are gone again. What do you suppose he is thinking? When we go back to pick him up, will there be some sort of emotion in him that says “this is fun, but they will leave me again?” I wish they wouldn’t have called us his “mama” and “papa” until we were there to pick him up and keep him. I don’t know if it makes a difference to him or not, but it makes a difference to me. I want my kids to know that they can count on me to always be there for them. I hope and pray that Emma, Geneva and Jackson are secure in the knowledge that Britt and I there for them…they can depend on us. Maddox has never had that in his life and we will give it to him. Of course, “being there for them” takes on different meanings at different times in their lives and we are only a short way into that support. However, for Maddox that will mean completing his cycle of need every time for a long time because it has been broken so many times in the past. I have no doubt that many orphanage caregivers, doctors, social workers and others care about the children there. But, the fact is that someone who feeds and clothes them for 24 hours at a time while taking care of 10 or so others and then leaves “their job” to go home doesn’t replace a parent that is a constant in a child’s life from birth.

Another thought keeps entering my mind. I can’t shake that feeling that just like pregnancy when you are uncomfortable and just want the baby to be born; the really hard part hasn’t started yet. Everyone knows that the first few months after a baby is born are full of great joy and extreme fatigue. We are not naïve to think when Maddox joins our family things will be any different. Yet we are ready for the challenge and know that this adoption is God’s plan for our family…wherever that leads us. We lean on that knowledge to get us through whatever lies ahead.

I know my fingers are just typing my thoughts right now, so thank you for indulging me. These sleep deprived ramblings may be hard to follow.